


Falling apart for you

by Justafewthingstosay



Series: Dear Evan Hansen, Tree Bros one shots [16]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 22:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11610426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justafewthingstosay/pseuds/Justafewthingstosay
Summary: Loving someone is hard, but even if it's hard and hurts you, sometimes it's the only thing that keeps you alive.





	Falling apart for you

**Author's Note:**

> This was a commission for the lovely pen_line on the DEH amino

  
  
  


Connor woke up with the familiar burning in his lungs. He jumped out of his bed quickly and ran into the bathroom, collapsing in front of the toilet, holding on to the seat with his dear life as he started to throw up again.

 

It was the fifth time this night and Connor knew that going back to sleep would probably just mean another dream, which would result in throwing up again. So flushed the toilet, washed his face and sat down, his head leaning against the wall, he was close enough to the toilet that if he needed to throw up again, he could just lean forward. 

 

Suddenly he felt a weird tickling feeling on his tongue and he reached inside to pull out one of the all too familiar rose petals. It was a dark red, and Connor could actually imagine that if these petals were on a flower, he would enjoy looking at it. He wouldn’t mind receiving the flowers as a bouquet or giving them to someone but like this? Like this, he was just reminded of how hopeless his love was, of how insane it was to think of him that maybe, one day, Evan would like him back.

 

Slowly he felt tears coming to his eyes, he didn’t care about wiping them away, there was no point in it. So he sat there, crying in the bathroom, clutching the rose petal tightly. 

 

Connor knew that he could just get surgery and this nightmare would be over, but he also knew that he would never even consider the surgery. Loving Evan had made him feel alive. More alive than he had ever felt. Even if it was filled with pain, with barely being able to breathe, waking up in the middle of the night to throw up flowers. It was worth it, Evan was worth it. 

 

Connor threw up twice again after that time, he slept around three hours that whole night, but as the time for the school came, he still got up and went to the shower. 

 

He had started to take a liking in school, his head was busy and he could focus on something else than Evan for a while, he had only once thrown up in school and he really didn’t want to repeat that, but at that moment, he couldn’t help it. 

It was shortly before lunch was over, he was sitting at his table alone, reading a book and suddenly he had the odd feeling that someone was staring at him, so he looked up and his eyes met Evan’s. 

The shorter boy blushed and quickly looked back onto his almost untouched plate of food. Connor just stared at Evan, realising again how beautiful and adorable the other was. 

 

Suddenly he had felt the familiar burning and he jumped up, grabbing his bag and his book, running to the bathroom and hunching himself over the toilet and letting the petals fall. 

They were beautiful, especially when they were falling, they looked like rain or snowflakes, but instead of the calming notion of those, they represented the human and unlike rain and snowflakes, humans aren’t pretty when they fall. 

 

Connor fell into a weird rhythm, he would throw up before school, in school, he managed not to, but as soon as he was at home and alone with his thoughts, when he was crying, when he was having a panic attack. He always thought of Evan, thinking of the shorter boy helped him stay calm, but it made him throw up. 

But then again, everything was better than feeling nothing.  

 

For around two months this was his routine, the only thing that changed was that Evan now helped Zoe with homework, so he would see the other boy even more often, which then made him throw up more. 

But he managed to talk to Evan, he managed to hold short conversations with the anxious boy as he waited for Zoe to get home, when Evan was too early, he managed to look into Evan’s eyes, hoping that one day they might look at him with the same love and admiration that Connor looked at him with, maybe one day.

 

That’s what Connor always told himself, Zoe on the other hand, who was the only one who realised his constant throwing up, told him to just ignore his feelings and try to go back to being friends with Evan. What she didn’t understand was that once you love someone, with the intensity that Connor loved Evan, there was no going back. There was no ignoring his feelings for him, it was simply impossible.

 

But slowly, Connor started to throw up less. First, he didn’t notice it, but when he managed to sleep through a whole night without waking up once, he got terrified. He ran into his bathroom, falling onto his knees in front of the toilet and stuck his finger down his throat, but even then, the feeling didn’t come and Connor started crying. His love for Evan had been the one thing that kept him sane, kept him grounded, kept him alive and now, it was gone.

 

That’s at least what he thought, but when he saw Evan that day in school, the boy looked directly at him, smiled softly and waved a little anxiously. As Connor waved back, he felt a small tingling feeling on his tongue and as he turned around and opened his locker, he reached into his mouth, to pull out one bright red rose petal. The colour was different from the usual dark red that he had been throwing up for so long, it was prettier, more vibrant. 

 

He didn’t notice how the shorter boy would blush in the hallway as they walked past each other, he didn’t notice how Evan started to stand closer to him when they talked because Zoe was late. He didn’t notice how Evan started to be too early single time, so they could talk.

He didn’t notice a lot of things, but he did notice how beautiful Evan was, how his laugh sounded like the most calming song that was ever composed, he noticed how Evan’s hair reflected the sun and how he had the slightest bit of stubble when he couldn’t sleep the day before, because shaving took a lot of effort for him. 

He noticed everything, except the most important thing. 

 

He didn’t notice how Evan started to fall for the taller man, he didn’t notice how Evan would look at him from across the lunch hall, watching Connor read. 

 

But Connor was too scared, he realised how he had stopped throwing up completely, but he didn’t manage to connect these things, he knew that he was still in love with Evan, probably more than he had ever been, so he was confused when the petals stopped. 

 

It was only until he told Zoe that it had stopped that he was pushed to understanding.

They were in Connor’s room, he was lying on his bed, while she moved around in his swivel chair. Him falling in love with Evan had brought them closer together and Connor was grateful for it.

 

“When was the last time you threw up?” she asked, playing around with a pen in her hand, he dragged his hand over his face, letting it rest on on his forehead. 

 

“‘Bout two weeks ago, that’s what worries me so much,” He admitted. The tall boy was staring at the ceiling of his room, his view stopping on a small speck of blue paint on the white ceiling and he focused on that.

 

“But you still love him, right?” his sister asked, throwing the pen up and catching it in her right hand. Connor blushed slightly but nodded. 

 

“Yeah, I do and that’s what confuses me so much, why did it just stop?” He asked and Zoe let out a small frustrated groan.

 

“Maybe he loves you too, dumbass,” she said, throwing the pen at her brother playfully. “Ever think about that ?” 

 

And within a second, everything made sense, the times Evan came way too early, the way Evan waved at him, how much Evan’s behaviour toward him had changed, all made sense now and Connor jumped up from his bed. He jumped up so quickly and suddenly that he startled Zoe. 

 

“I have to call Evan, do you have his number?” He asked quickly. He was afraid, but that wouldn’t stop him, he learned a long time ago, that if you can’t defeat your fear, you just have to do it scared.

 

Zoe nodded and punched Evan’s number into her brother's phone, standing up afterwards and leaving Connor alone, but not before she smiled at him encouragingly and gave him a thumbs up. 

 

Evan picked up after two rings with an anxious voice.

 

“Hello, who is this?” he said, his voice shaking a little.

 

“Evan, it’s me, Connor!” He realised that he might be talking a little too loud and quick and calmed himself down a bit. 

 

“Oh Hi Connor, w-what do you need?” Connor took a deep breath before he spoke up again. 

 

“Do you want to go on a date with me?” He asked, suddenly calmer and quieter. He heard Evan gasp over the phone before the shorter boy let out a small “I'd love that,” 

They met up that evening at the movies, it was the only a little more public place that didn’t make Evan anxious or was too loud so that they couldn’t talk.

 

After the movie, they went to a park, where Connor let his hand slip into Evans. The shorter boy had blushed profusely but didn’t pull away, so Connor counted it as okay.

 

They talked about many things, about what they wanted to do after school, or their favourite things, one of Connor’s favourite things being Evan. They talked about their fears and their problems in school. They found peace and calm in the other and Connor brought Evan to his door at the end of the nights and he leant in to hug the shorter, Evan pressed his lips onto Connor's. 

The kiss was inexperienced and rushed, but Connor kissed back happily. Afterwards, Evan blushed darkly and slipped inside, a grin growing on his face.

 

Connor could have screamed in happiness, but just touched his lips softly, looking at the door. 

He started grinning and put his hands into his pockets as he started to walk to his car. 

 

Both of them weren’t perfect. You could go so far to calm them both a mess, but that’s the thing about love. It doesn’t meet you when everything is perfect, it meets you at your mess. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!  
> Comments are like always greatly appreciated!
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please consider buying me a [coffee](http://ko-fi.com/pissoffimrad)


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